Our Grammer...

Grammer and Julles, August 2005

Grammer with Beene, Father's Day 2004

Last week my grammer (grandma) was put on hospice care. She has been slipping away the past few years and has gotten worse just over 2 weeks time. She has had several mini strokes and has just been getting really tired a lot lately. If you aren't familiar with hospice, they come in when a person has been given less than 6 months to live, and they are there to ease the death process. It was sad to hear that she had been put on this program because even though it is the best thing for her to "go home", it is hard because we will miss her so badly. The hospice people gave my grandpa a "handbook" of the dying process, things to watch for and so on. Well, she has been showing several of the signs for quite some time. Monday, my mom called me and said that when the nurse had gone to my grandparents home she let my gramps know that it wouldn't be long now. My mom let me know that I should go and see her soon so that I could have one last time with her. I was planning on doing it this afternoon, not a long visit, because she has been so lathargic lately.
This morning, at 8:30 my cell phone rang. I immediatly started to worry, because NO ONE calls me that early unless something is wrong. I was on the phone with Jonathan for his daily drive to work and started saying, "please don't be my mom, please don't be my mom!!!" I looked at my caller id and it was my sister Stacey. I then started to worry because I thought to myself, "if grammer died, mom wouldn't call me, Stacey, Kristy or dad would!" So, I answered while Jonathan was on hold and she started out with, "I just talked to mom..." I knew something was wrong. She proceeded to tell me that Grammer had gotten out of bed last night and tripped over her hope chest, hit her head, and passed out. Gramps (who only has one arm) picked her up and carried her over to the bed. She woke up and said she needed to go to potty. He got her to the potty and she passed out again. He called my aunt and my uncle who live not far from them, and they came over right away. They called hospice and a nurse came out as well. The nurse said that Grammer had suffered another stroke. She was very agrivated and was trying to take off her jammies and was scratching at herself. They had given her valium and morphine to try to calm her down. She couldn't talk, she was just babbling. The nurse said it wouldn't be too long until she passed.
I drove down with the girls and spent the day with my family. All the cousins were there except Brady and my uncle Brad is coming in tomorrow from Reno. I just kept saying on the way down there, "hang in Grammer until I can tell you I love you!" It was a nice day under the circumstances. The hospice nurse who is wonderful explained to us all about what to expect, and made us more comfortable with what is at hand. I was able to go in and sit on the bed with her and hold her hand, and she held my hand tightly as well. She would open her eyes, then close them and whenever anyone would come in the room, she would open her eyes again. She would look like she was trying to say something, but just couldn't get the words out. They changed her pain medication to something that would make her less itchy and aggitated, and it seemed to work better. By the time I left, she was more alert and was staying awake for long periods of time. She drank water, and after I left she had a little ice cream. She loves children and when the great grandkids came to visit, she wouldn't let go of them. Just before I left, I went and gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her very much and to get good rest. She held on to my hand and looked at me and without hearing her verbally, I felt her tell me that she loved me too. So, as of right now things with her are still lingering. She is still with us and we are all ready for her to go home, she is so miserable and we just want her to be at peace.

I love my grammer so much, and will miss her more than words can say. She is the grandma that I would wait at the window watching for and cry hysterically when she would leave. We made great road trips to St. George and Bear Lake together, she even had a barf bucket just for me in her backseat knowing that I got car sick on long drives. She would sing silly songs with us and always has great treats in her pantry. We always knew we were welcome whenever we wanted to come visit, and she treated us like royalty. When we were little, she would come from St. George and drive all the cousins to her house and we would stay for a week or two at a time. She made great food, and was always cooking for us. We never left her house hungry. She was the Bear Lake lady, she had a time share there and we would go every summer until I was 10. We were all so excited when she moved to Ogden so that she could be closer to us. All the cousins had put dibs on parts of her body that we wanted when she died. I wanted one of her arms because she had that soft "grammer" skin on it that we would play with all the time. Mandy wanted her head because of the skin under her chin, and Natalie wanted her whole body to be stuffed so that she could put her on her bed and always have her. We would all get mad at Nat because if she got her whole body, then we wouldn't get our parts. My uncle Bret is a mortitian and works at the mortuary that she will be taken to, and when she first heard of that, she made us swear that Bret would not be the one to get her body ready, as she didn't want him to see her naked!!! She would do the always embarassing grandma comments at all the right/wrong times... such as... while we are birthday shopping, she would pass by a group of cute boys and start talking about shopping for bra's! Of course my favorite was when we were checking out at a department store and she announced to everyone that she and I wore the same size bra. She built a great family and is sooo loved!



I feel so much better tonight about everything because I was able to see her again, and I know that even after she is gone, I will see her again... and I am so grateful about that! I know that my cousin Andy will be there with open arms when she passes, and that she will be with her mom and dad again. I know that she will watch over our family just as she always has. I am so grateful for all the wonderful memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life and I am oh so thankful that my kids got to be around her and grow to love her. I am thankful to my Aunt Judy for helping Gramps take care of her, and being so close to them. I am so grateful for Gramps and him taking such good care of her and listening to all her stories and going along with her as whe started to say silly things. I am so blessed by the life that they have had together. Bittersweet will be the moment that I get the phone call that says she is gone!


Thank you for listening/reading my ranting... but this was very theraputic!!!
My cup runneth over!